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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Politics: Suggestions for the Texas Legislature 

The 79th Texas Legislature ends its session later this month, thus saving our state an embarrassing summer of more asinine legistlation proposals.

Journalists and comedians alike will have to search elsewhere for material starting in June, but that doesn't mean we won't still have to hear about hard-hitting pieces of legislation, such as the anti-BCS bill, or the sexy cheerleading bill. It's sad that our state lawmakers couldn't have turned their attention to real problems. No, I don't mean healthcare or tax rates or any of the fluff. I mean that if they're going to regulate nonsense, then they could have been much more creative. What about the following?

SB 12: Would redraw the divisional lines in the Big XII conference, placing Texas in the Big XII North with Baylor, Kansas, Iowa State, Missouri and Oklahoma State, thus making it easier for the Longhorns to make the Big XII conference championship game each fall.

HB 40: Bans middle-aged women from performing sexually suggestive songs at karaoke bars, because dammit, it's just uncomfortable to watch.

HB 1: Restricts the use of tip-jars and credit/debit card gratuity spaces only to establishments where an additional service, worthy of a gratuity, is offered. I love my Freebirds burrito, but the guy behind the counter there doesn't deserve a tip anymore than the guy that made my Beef n' Cheddar at Arby's, and Arby's doesn't guilt-trip into tacking on a dollar everytime I use my card.

SB 1836: A formal censure of Texan John Hancock for insulting his Texas heritage with his sorry excuse of a major motion picture, The Alamo.

HB 1974: Establishes Matthew McConaghey's, "All right, all right, all right," and "Just keep livin', l-i-v-i-n," from Richard Linklater's classic film, Dazed and Confused, as secondary state mottos.

SB 16: Prohibits all persons over the age of 16 from seeking out autographs at sporting events.

SB 1134: A proclaimation stating that the post-UT exploits of one Erick Lynn "Ricky" Williams did not, in fact, ever actually happen. He won the Heisman Trophy in 1998, finished his Texas career in the 1999 Cotton Bowl, and quietly left the public eye shortly thereafter.


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