Thursday, March 17, 2005
Personal: I Should Be Bill Simmons' Intern
I've been keeping up with Bill Simmons' (aka ESPN's The Sports Guy) intern contest, and I'm disappointed. The latest round offered such promise, and like the Atlanta Braves come playoff time, they all fell flat.
The contestants were asked the following questions:
1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?
You could make a case for any of Will Ferrell's Jeopardy skits, or a half dozen old Eddie Murphy segments, but I think the hands-down best sketch ever was Phil Hartman leading "The Sinatra Group." Hartman as Sinatra lampooning John McLaughlin was, in a word, classic. It captured the true greatness of the show: parody, wit and humor. Sting as Billy Idol and Jan Hooks as Sinead O'Connor were great complements, but Hartman stole the show. I can't see a rerun of News Radio or a Simpsons episode featuring Troy McClure without thinking of Sinatra telling O'Connor, "I look at you and I think, cue ball, corner pocket."
2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why? The funniest scene in history? As Kip might tell Napolean, "how could anyone ever know that?" Depending on my mood I might offer ten or twenty possibilities. One movie, however, keeps coming back to me: Old School. From the time Vince Vaugh fake coughs "don't do it," through about the third time the Dan Band drops the f-bomb in "Total Eclipse of the Heart," I find myself laughing non-stop. If we're just going for the funniest moment, then I'd have to suggest the toilet scene from Dumb and Dumber. I almost wet myself laughing when I saw it at 16. I'll probably almost wet myself laughing when I see it at 46. And someday, when senility has kicked in and my depends fit snuggly, I'll let loose and finally realize my lifelong dream of wetting myself when I watch that scene. Immature? Yes. Funny as hell? You bet your ass.
3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?The whole scabies incident from "Real World: Philadelphia" is a strong contender, but no, we have to go to Vegas for this one. It might have been the first night, but it was at least the first week. Two skanks -- Trichelle and Bryn, both decide to try and hook up with Steven. Which one will get him? It doesn't matter! Why have one when you can have two? Only this wasn't really a threesome. It was the world's worst-ever menage a trois. Steven and Trichelle mugged down and did God knows what else, while poor Bryn sat off to the side of the hot tub looking like the runt puppy that the rest of the litter shuns. I don't think a real World episode could ever top the sight of that dejected face. No wonder the crazy bitch threw a fork at Steven a few episodes later.
4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
I'd want Bob Stoops to catch AIDS and die.
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The contestants were asked the following questions:
1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?Are you kidding me? Except for that lame fourth inquiry, those questions are fat fastballs down the heart of the plate. But the answers? Horrible. Forgetting for a moment that the only reason I didn't enter this Sycophant Soiree was because I heeded Bill's crafty ruse of a 25-and-under age requirement, meant to curb the amount of entries, but not actually enforeced. The subpar efforts on the part of the finalists makes me regret playing by the rules even more. Now maybe I can't top the remaining intern-wannabes, but I'm damn well going to offer my input. I'll expect my official internship offer any day now, Bill.
2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why?
3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?
4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
1. What's your favorite SNL sketch ever and why?
You could make a case for any of Will Ferrell's Jeopardy skits, or a half dozen old Eddie Murphy segments, but I think the hands-down best sketch ever was Phil Hartman leading "The Sinatra Group." Hartman as Sinatra lampooning John McLaughlin was, in a word, classic. It captured the true greatness of the show: parody, wit and humor. Sting as Billy Idol and Jan Hooks as Sinead O'Connor were great complements, but Hartman stole the show. I can't see a rerun of News Radio or a Simpsons episode featuring Troy McClure without thinking of Sinatra telling O'Connor, "I look at you and I think, cue ball, corner pocket."
2. What's the funniest scene in movie history and why? The funniest scene in history? As Kip might tell Napolean, "how could anyone ever know that?" Depending on my mood I might offer ten or twenty possibilities. One movie, however, keeps coming back to me: Old School. From the time Vince Vaugh fake coughs "don't do it," through about the third time the Dan Band drops the f-bomb in "Total Eclipse of the Heart," I find myself laughing non-stop. If we're just going for the funniest moment, then I'd have to suggest the toilet scene from Dumb and Dumber. I almost wet myself laughing when I saw it at 16. I'll probably almost wet myself laughing when I see it at 46. And someday, when senility has kicked in and my depends fit snuggly, I'll let loose and finally realize my lifelong dream of wetting myself when I watch that scene. Immature? Yes. Funny as hell? You bet your ass.
3. What's your favorite reality-TV moment ever and why?The whole scabies incident from "Real World: Philadelphia" is a strong contender, but no, we have to go to Vegas for this one. It might have been the first night, but it was at least the first week. Two skanks -- Trichelle and Bryn, both decide to try and hook up with Steven. Which one will get him? It doesn't matter! Why have one when you can have two? Only this wasn't really a threesome. It was the world's worst-ever menage a trois. Steven and Trichelle mugged down and did God knows what else, while poor Bryn sat off to the side of the hot tub looking like the runt puppy that the rest of the litter shuns. I don't think a real World episode could ever top the sight of that dejected face. No wonder the crazy bitch threw a fork at Steven a few episodes later.
4. If you could choose any sports scandal to happen, what would it be and why?
I'd want Bob Stoops to catch AIDS and die.
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