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Thursday, January 27, 2005

Televison: Austin Held Hostage (T-minus One Day...) 

Filming for "The Real World: Austin," supposedly begins tomorrow. To celebrate our city's denigration into the MTV-stained annals of reality television, I thought I might pick my all-time, all-star "The Real World" cast. I'll try to follow the show's formula in selecting my group. As a disclaimer, I should note that I haven't really watched much of the past few years, so that should explain a lack of recent cast members.

- Elka (RW: Boston) Mild-mannered and conservative, with a bit of a wild streak, this former Texas Longhorn stood out as the brightest spot in the show's best-ever cast. Plus, she's hot, which is really what I look for in a RW cast member. She gets a minor deduction for dating that Irish nancy-boy, but I think she eventually realized the un-patriotic error of her ways and tossed him like a stale pint of Guinness.

- Cyrus (RW: Boston) Cyrus was a player. He knew how to work the RW magic. Let's see, you take a camera crew into a bar and the girls will flock toward you. That's all Cyrus right there. Everytime one of these mop-headed pretty boys does that they should have to pay royalties.

- Bryn (RW: Las Vegas) Sure, she's a psycho, but every RW cast needs one. Besides, that douche Steven deserved to have a fork thrown at him. He was a loser, who poorly represented Austin. Did I mention that being hot is the chief criterion for inclusion? Bryn was just as hot as Trichele, but not such a slut. An added bonus is that because my list lacks the homosexual usually found in RW casts, Bryn will have to compensate by flaunting the bi-sexual tendencies that she showed in spurts during the Las Vegas season.

- Kevin (RW: Back to NY) I didn't think much of Kevin before he became part of the afternoon show on Austin's sports radio station, 1300 The Zone. In fact, I thought he was nuts for constantly shunning the advances from that girl Laurie. He defended himself to a caller last year, outing Laurie for going bald, so I suppose that's understandable, though his devotion to the Chicago Cubs is not. Still, he's a loyal Horn and he does carry Chad Hastings for three hours a day, so I have to give him credit for possessing more talent than your average ex-reality "star" (see: Kevin's roommate Mike aka "The Miz").

- Karrie (RW: Chicago) She might have had the roundest head in the history of round heads, but it worked. She was still hot. I didn't really watch this season, so there's not much more to say. I mentioned she was hot, right? I think she had a crush on one of the guys, and he wasn't having any of it. I can buy Kevin's excuse for snubbing Laurie, but the guy in Chicago needs to be castrated for this inexcusable behavior.

- Teck (RW: Hawaii) Has there ever been a bigger loon that comparatively looked normal, simply because he lived in a house full of even bigger oddballs? Seriously, you had a ragin alkie in Ruthie (aka "Tigress Woods, for her resemblance to the golfer), the gay guy that up and left the show mid-season, the girl that never wore a shirt, and the annoying girl with boobs the size of Oahu. They were all nuts. By default Teck was the most normal, and he went skinny dipping five seconds after arriving.

- Laurie (RW: Back to NY) Hair or not, this girl was pretty hot. Besides, I'm sure the bigwigs at MTV could spring for a decent wig.


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