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Friday, January 28, 2005

Televison: Austin Held Hostage (Day One) 

With a dearth of serious topics in the news recently (those Iraqi elections and Senate Cabinet confirmations are fluff), I've decided to continue my Real World blogging.

In the next few weeks I suspect that rumors will start circulating here in Austin about the current cast. Who's hot... who's not... who's a bitch... what bars they frequent... all of the really important characteristics that make the show. MTV can put them up in a swanky house and give them a cool job, but if the cast doesn't have that perfect blend of good looks and worthwhile drama, then what's the point of watching, right?

In about 12 hours the cast members will probably all make their first appearance on Sixth Street, and in about 14 hours they'll probably have their first house quarrel. In fact, I'm sure that downtown will be overrun tonight with people trying to get a glimpse of the RW kids, most of them hoping to get on television in the process.

Thank God I live up North. Blogging about these drama queens is about as far as I'll go. Speaking of drama queens, how about a quick list of the RW's worst-ever cast members. This should be much easier than yesterday's all-star cast.

10. Kaia, Hawaii: Sure she went topless 95% of the time, but she wasn't attractive. She also a manipulative bitch.

9. Stephen, Seattle: I sometimes like the troublemaker (e.g., Puck), but this guy caused too much drama without bringing the funny. He was just as much a pain in the ass on the RW/RR Challenge a few years back.

8. CT, Paris: That squirrelly guy from Paris was probably worse, but CT's tough-guy act got old fast. And bro, you really need to hook up a pair of tweezers for that minefield between the eyebrows.

7. Jud, San Francisco: I know he eventually married castmate Pam (who was a doctor... remember when RWers had actualy careers that didn't involve reality television?), but he was such a little puss that hearing him talk made me sick.

6. Steven, Las Vegas: Remember the pregnancy scare? "I think being a dad might be good for me. It would give me some direction." The only direction this guy needs is to the VD clinic.

5. Flora, Miami: Pure evil.

4. Mike, New York II: This Jerk-off and Hyde of a character seriously whips my ass. One minute he's goofy Mike and the next minute he's "The Miz," an even goofier wannabe wrestler. If Vince McMahon wants to atone for a lifetime of sins, he'd put "The Miz" up against The Undertaker in the next Wrestlemania and tell the 'taker to forget, for about ten minutes, that wrestling is fake.

3. Coral, New York II: She's seen Bring it On one a few too many times, because no one is naturally that sassy. How does this annoying bitch have a single friend? And when is she going to get a real job?

2. Amaya, Hawaii: Her name should be Drama-ya. Remember on one of the RW/RR challenges, where she refused to bob for pig's feet because she's "Jewish"? She's about as Jewish as I am liberal.

1. Montana, Boston: The best RW moment ever was when her boyfriend, Vag, called her and started screaming "you whore" for ten minutes after she had a date with someone else. The second best moment ever was when she was fired from the youth center for giving wine to kids. Montana was the most self-righteous drama queen in the show's history, and that's one serious accomplishment.

There are plenty of others I could have mentioned, but I do need to do some actual work today, so I'll leave it at that. Hopefully, though, someone from the Austin cast will make us proud and squeeze into the top ten once this season has reached its conclusion.


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