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Monday, January 17, 2005

Sports: Because I Can't be Any Worse than Rich Kotite... 

Despite my poor showing in last weekend's NFL Playoff predicitons, I like to think that I know a little bit about football. I did grow up in Texas, after all. So with that in mind, I'd like to announce -- to any of the many NFL general managers and NCAA athletic directors that no doubt visit my blog daily -- my intentions to pursue a career as a football coach.

I think my resume speaks for itself.


Objective: To obtain a coaching position at the professional or collegiate level, and all of the perks (fancy cars, hugh diamond championship rings, personal fame) that come along with it

Professional Experience

Insite Magazine Dec. 2000-Present: Staff writer for monthly Austin
entertainment magazine.

- Featured future NFL All-Pro WR Roy Williams in Sept. 01 issue
- Featured future NFL All-Pro Derrick Johnson in Sept. 02 issue
- Featured Austin Wranglers AFL franchise in Feb. 04 issue

WORLD Magazine 1998: Freelance contributor

- Penned feature brites on prominant athletes including San Diego Charger QB Doug Flutie and Univ. of Kentucky QB Tim Couch

Temple Daily Telegram 1993-98: Intern/Stringer for daily newspaper

-Covered college, high school and recreational sporting events throughout Central Texas
- Semi-close ties to several area coaches, including legendary Temple HS Coach Bob McQueen; had crush on his daughter, Amanda, but never worked up the nerve to ask her out


Temple High School

- 1995 Honors graduate
- Provided award-winning coverage of Temple Wildcat football
- Sports anchor for KATV News broadcasts
- Sports editor of student newspaper, The Catalyst
- Attended every game in four years, including 1992 State Championship victory against Houston Yates

University of Texas at Austin

- Bachelor of Journalism. Dec. 1999: Concentration in Public Relations; minor in Business
- Attended more than 25 football games as a student
- Had a crush on a blonde UT cheerleader named Kelli, but never worked up the nerve to ask her out
- Friends with back-up OL Richard Land; partied several times with notable football players, including Ricky Williams, at The Buffalo Club

Playing Experience

Team Bunt Spring 2003: Austin City Parks and Rec Flag Football League

- Starting CB/FS for 3-5 team in 'C' division
- Averaged 2 "tackles" per game; 3 pass breakups
- Devised defensive gameplans
- Atoned for lack of speed/quickness with cunning instincts

Travis Middle School 1989-90: Temple, Texas

- Assumed starting OG duties late in the season for 3-5 7th Grade 'B' Team
- Back-up C/DT for 8th Grade 'B' Team district champions
- Standout special teams contributor; 1 fumble recovery
- Persevered despite small frame and no real athletic ability

Additional Qualifications

Football Fan 1977-Present: Texas Longhorns and Dallas Cowboys

- Withstood a decade's worth of taunting and heckling during the "Dark Ages" of Texas football and loyalty never wavered
- Wore a Longhorn t-shirt to school one day after humiliating 46-3 Cotton Bowl loss to Miami in 1991
- Traveled to remote areas including Fayetteville, AR, Lincoln, NE, New Orleans, LA, and Boulder, CO, to support Texas football
- Stuck with Cowboys throughout incompetent reigns of Dave Campo and Chan Gailey

Madden 2002 2001: Sony Playstation Video Game

- Eight-time Coach of the Year during ten-year franchise mode (All-Madden level)
- Compiled 133-27 regular season record and won seven Super Bowls in that span.

NCAA 2004 2003: Sony PS2 Video Game

- Compiled 66-6 record over six seasons (All-American level)
- Won 3 BCS championships
- True forte lies in recruting; nabbed more than 15 5-star recruits in each of six seaons

Long Island Commission/Capitol Hill Punishment 2000-2003: Fantasy Football GM

- Posted 37-52 record over four seasons in various leagues
- Finished one game out of playoffs on two seperate occasions

QB1 1991-Present: Interactive Football Game

- Finished first nationally during the 1991 Pigskin Classic (Texas A&M v. Stanford)
- Routinely dominated competition at both G. Willie's (Temple, TX) and T.G.I. Fridays (Austin, TX)
- Drew the ire of many drunks, who didn't like losing to a 14-year old

Master Productions 1994, 97: Temple, TX, Media Company

- Color Commentator/Analyst on Temple Wildcat broadcasts.
So maybe I'm not cut out to be a head coach, but an assistant's job is just fine. Hell, I can eat as well as Mark Mangino and drink as well as Mike Leach, and they both ended up getting head jobs in the Big XII. And let's not even get started on Rich Kotite or Ray Handley.

So... DeLoss Dodds? Jerry Jones? Whaddayasay?


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