b The Longhorn Mafia <$BlogRSDURL$>

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Longhorns: Texas A&M -- A Tradition of Excrement 

I know I've spent a lot of time the past few days griping about the ignorance of the BCS and Utah fans. But I'm done with that, because it is officially Aggie Week and therefore, I'm focusing all of my disdain for the next few days toward that blight of a school known as Texas A&M.

Texas A&M. P'Shaw.

There's an old joke that asks, "how many Texas A&M Aggies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50 -- One to insert the bulb and 49 to call it a tradition." In College Station, Texas, they certainly fancy themselves purveyors of tradition. Let's take a look at some of them:

The Corps: This glorified ROTC group exemplifies all that is wrong with Texas A&M. Whether it's showing their bravado by brandishing swords against opposing cheerleaders, or defending their field against opposing fans by inciting a riot, the Corp of Cadets frequently finds ways to embarrass their school. Don't forget the goofy little uniforms and buzzcuts. They're really sweet.

Revielle: As the highest-ranking officer in the Corps, all cadets are required to salute Revielle, and legend has it that if she barks during class then the class is immediately dismissed. She's a menacing figure on the Aggie sidelines, for sure, though I have to ask: if a ten-year old Timmy could handle Lassie without a problem, why does it take 20 cadets to guard Revielle?

Kyle Field: Hey, did you know that Kyle Field is a memorial to WWII veterans and no one is allowed to walk on the field? Hey, do the Aggies know that half the stadiums in America are memorials to veterans and their monument to poor architecture is in no way special?

Aggie Muster: Now this is actually a great tradition (all the lights on campus are turned out and a roll sheet is read of all former Aggies that have passed away over a given time period), so I won't rag on it.

Yell Leaders: Only men can be cheerleaders at Texas A&M. They dress up in ice cream uniforms and say things like "hullabaloo" and "whoop." There's no word on how many former yell leaders are now in therapy, or manning sno-cone stands across the Lone Star State. Yes, Ags, I know that current Gov. Rick Perry is a former Yell Leader, but future Gov. Kay Bailey Hutchison is a former UT cheerleader. Besides, erry has made a habit of flashing the "Hooke'Em Horns" sign at public gatherings. Good luck getting Kay to "whoop" any time soon.

Yell Practice: In case these college-educated students have forgetten how to yell, the Aggies hold a practice before each game. It's quite comical. If you've never attended, then read about it here.

Fightin' Texas Aggie Band: The Corps of Cadets consists of soldier wannabes, while the band consists of Corps wannabes. If you've never seen the Aggie band (or a junior high band perform a John Phillips Sousa medley) then you don't know what you're missing. As Trey McLean says in his weekly Texas Tailgate Talk, "Make sure you stick around and see the most heavily armed college band in the country turn to the right with predictable regularity and dazzling accuracy at halftime."

t.u.: In a clever juvenile manner, Aggies like to refer to daddy as "t.u." It's apparently funny to change the letters around in UT. I get that, because I love to refer to the Aggies as "m&a" and then snicker like a 12-year old girl.

TexAgs: The next time Bill Simmons updates his "unintentional comedy scale," I hope he's visited the forums here first, particularly the "rivalries" board. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and penis envy.

The Aggie War Hymn: Hullabaloo Caneck Train Wreck. This boring 4/4 ditty takes twelve mintes to play, spouts off nonsensical words, reeks of obsession with the University of Texas, elicits nauseating mass swaying among Aggie fans and bears an uncanny resemblance to the theme from Yogi Bear, who is obviously smarter than your average Aggie.

Standing Up all Game: Strike another blow for creativity. Aggies stand the entire game, except when the opposing band takes the field. Imagine that. If someone learns of another school where students stand all game then let me know. Of course I'll need proof if I'm going to believe something so outlandish.

12th Man: The whole legend about E. King Gill and how he came out of the stands to help his team is an endearing story. In recent times, I'll bet any of a number of Aggie students could have come out of the stands and given a better effort than the Aggies in uniform.

"Spirit of Aggieland": Aggies never leave early, or so they say. But the past few years, a lot of them never showed up in the first place. And I saw plenty of empty seats in the fourth quarter of last year's 46-15 Texas win.

I could go on and on, as the Aggies only have a few hundred more traditions. But I hardly need to continue making fun of them when they do such a great job of making themselves look ignorant. However, there is one last tradition that, though the Aggies fail to embrace it, has become synonymous with Texas A&M University...

The Aggie Joke: My current favorite... Did you hear that they're relieved in College Station these days? Scientists recently announced that Mad Cow Disease isn't sexually transmitted.


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